Get ready for this: Studies show that behavior management techniques are INEFFECTIVE without a strong parent-child relationship. Put that in your pipe and smoke it! And...wait for it...negative behaviors decrease when parent-child bond increases! So...how do we build stronger relationships with our kids? or1. Take the kids for ice cream This is not as literal as it sounds. Its a technique I used time and time again as a parent coach. "Take the kids for ice cream" means find time in your day (yes, every day) to do something special with your child where they are fully loved, accepted, supported and valued. It's hard to get angry or nitpicky with your child when you're chowing down on a frosty sweet treat, right? Whether it's an ice cream break, a quick trip to the park, a foot rub, or coloring together, set aside a break from ALL distractions physically, mentally and emotionally and just BE with your child. During this time you are forbidden from anger, lectures,or threats. Its all about love and attention. 2. Make every hello & goodbye a special event Whether I'm picking my kids up from school or dropping them off, watching them walk up the stairs to the slide at the park, or coming inside from taking the trash out, EVERY hello/goodbye is a special event sealed with an overdose of "I love you"s or "I missed you" and tons of hugs, kisses, and sweet words. These mini bursts of attention maintain excitement for togetherness and provide an ease in separation. They look forward to my departure just as much as they do my return and I'm also imprinting in their brains that although I sometimes leave, I always return, thus developing secure attachment. 3. Terms of endearment This is not my own. I stole this from a British grandmother I observed while I was a summer nanny for her grandkids. She began (and ended) every sentence with a term of endearment to show love. "Yes, my darling boy, what can I do for you, sweets?" and "Love, please don't climb on the counter, angel. You may get hurt, darling". I remember thinking to myself how incredible it must feel as a child to receive so many affirmations of love throughout the day, but when I applied this technique myself I noticed how much calmer I was as a caregiver and how much love I felt in turn! It's really phenomenal, but it must also be genuine. Kids have some seriously strong bull-shit-o-meters so choose words and phrases that feel comfortable to you. I have been known to call my son "potato head" and "butter biscuit" and although it's strange, he knows it comes from love and its unique to us. His teachers crack up too, which seems to make him feel special, lol. 4. I thought about you...
Think through a dating relationship, or times in your marriage, when your partner did something to let you know you were thought about. I used to think it was romantic when my husband put his boots in the corner of the room instead of smack dab in the middle. I thought, "Awe, he knows I get up every night for water and doesn't want me tripping over his boots". Now, this happened once for every 4000 times I actually did trip over them, but that's another story! Try to use this sentence stem throughout the day when you do things for your child to let them know they were thought about. Children are natrally egocentric so saying it aloud helps to internalize the feeling of being considerate (thus making them consider others). "I thought about you and grabbed a book for you to read in the car" or "I made tacos tonight because I know how much you like them" and "These animal pajamas are because I know animals bring you joy". This is a powerful technique! Use to excess! 5. Tell your child what you see in them and what they will be Sometimes I will literally tell my children, "I love you for all that you are and all that you will be", but otherwise it is not always as straight forward. One of my kiddos can be a real troll sometimes, but instead of giving him energy when he's acting like that, I'll wait for a moment he shows kindness and say, "I knew you were capable of kindness. I see such tenderness in your heart". When I watch them drag a chair over to the counter, turn the faucet on and wash their hands I may say, "You can do big things". By using statements like this, I'm relaying the message, "I see you, I believe in you, I expect great things from you" and that belief becomes a part of their inner dialogue. "Discipline" is a word that doesn't translate directly in many other languages. Many cultures find it odd how much we focus on discipline and negative behaviors. It's because in many cultures, parents and caregivers simply love their children without worry of their behavior. They don't focus on what's wrong with them or what needs molding and "fixing". Their focus is on acceptance and loving guidance. Negative behaviors will naturally drop away when a child is being raised in an environment of love and acceptance and when a parent expects their child to be successful, they just are. "Focus on the donut, not the hole" -Garry Landreth, PhD. Stay gold, Chelsea
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I could teach a four hour workshop on using choices with kids! The first half of the workshop would cover how most caregivers are missing the point and overcomplicating things. The second half would cover how to use them to literally conquer life and make parenthood your bitch. Choices are a godsend! Choices can be used for managing behaviors, raising responsible children, issuing consequences, encouraging independence, and creating a sense of mastery. When used correctly, you'll find happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. When used incorrectly, you'll find confused little tyrants that do know which way is up or down. Rules for using choices effectively: 1) Only give choices that fit your value system If you don't intend on spanking your child, or don't want to spank your child, don't use spanking as a choice. For example, "If you choose to keep making that noise, you're choosing to get a spanking". Really, thats a threat disguised as a choice and the child will likely test to see if you'll follow through, hide their behavior better next time, or feel scared into stopping their obnoxious behavior, but not feel loved or accepted in the interim. Also, the parent-child relationship gets damaged. It's better to offer choices you're comfortable with such as, "If you choose to make that noise, you're choosing to go to your room alone. If you choose not to make that noise, you're choosing to enjoy the game with the family". 2) Give choices when things are going well The average two year old hears "no" 75% of the day. Instead, we should be offering much more freedom. The more control you give away, the more you keep. Offer choices such as which shoes to wear, which drink or snavk to enjoy, which bath toy they'd like, what book they'd enjoy at bedtime and so on. When children are offered choices throughout their day, they feel independent and in control There are far less tantrums and power struggles and they often comply better in circustances where there isn't a choice because its a rarity, not the norm. 3) Never give more than two choices I wouldn't open my fridge and say, "what would you like for lunch" to my two year olds. Instead, I offer two choices, both of which I'm comfortable with. Would you like a sandwich or a quesadilla for lunch? Would you enjoy strawberries or an apple? Will you be eating this outside or at the table?" More than two choices is WAY too much responsability for a small child. 4) Use choices to issue consequences with love "If you choose to hit your friends, you're choosing to leave storytime. If you choose to not to hit your friends, you're choosing to stay and play". The beauty of this is that if they hit, you can be empathetic, "Oh no! This is so sad. We'll be leaving storytime". Theres no need for anger, lecture, or threats with this method. The consequence follows the action immediately with love and empathy. In all of my workshops I assign homework! In this case, I'd suggest thinking through 1-3 situations in the day where a problem or power struggle typically occurs. Put together your choice with the appropriate entence stems and phrasing and practice it. Don't rush into it. Think about what may go wrong and be prepared for all possibilities. Use love, a smile and positive energy and watch the power struggles dissipate! There is a choice to be made in everything we do so in the end the choices you make, make you. Stay gold, Chelsea A good on paper guy is the one who meets all the "qualifications" you have listed in your head, or the ones your parents, friends, and society, have outlined for you. I made a list like this in a "Sex, God, and Me" workshop as a teenager at church. The goal of the exercise was to get you thinking about your future life partner and refuse to settle for anything less. Also, refuse to date anyone that wasn't what you were looking for.
Not wasting any time with someone who you don't see a future with is a wise practice. This can protect you from getting your heart broken and perhaps missing out on quality men while wasting time with suckers. I've had the list I wrote when I was fifteen and I've added a few things to it, of corse, but now, as a divorcee I've changed the way I look at this list. I've realized it's rather easy for a man to posess many of the traits on this list; however, after experiencing a HIGHLY TOXIC marriage with a man that was "good on paper", I realized it's even more important to look at how they utilize their traits, rather than the traits they posess. For example, I used to look for a man that was strong. I accidentally mistook aggression for strength in my last relationship. Or, humor can be entertaining at first, but is that humor used at the expense of others? If so, this may be a defense mechanism this person uses to deflect your attention off darker traits. Intelligence is also something most people look for, but does this person use intelligence to only serve themselves or are they engaging in enriching conversations, furthering their career, or helping others in need? We all know the phrase, "Actions speak louder than words" and in the instance of dating, I feel its even MORE important not to release your heart to anyone based on how they SAY they are. Take time to get to know them and observe their actions, their lifestyle, their response to adversity, and draw your own conclusions on their character based on actions, not interviewng skills. "Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking" -H. Jackson Brown, Jr. A very wise professor of mine in undergrad taught me, "A parent who always remembers, raises a child who always forgets," -Dr. Garry Landreth, professor at UNT.
As a parent, I've rephrased this into my own terms, "Back off and let them figure it out". I don't want my children to be little mindless robots who only do things because they're told to and who can't make a dcision without me weighing out the pros and cons for them. So, I have a few techniques for returning responsability to them to ensure that as they grow older, they're the ones doing the thinking, not me. 1. Embrace Failure Allow your children to fail and forget when the price tag is small, which is these early, formative years. As adults, being forgetful and careless has a much bigger consequence. When parents protect our children from failure and frustration, we are robbing them of the learning opportunities associated with the consequence. If a child forgets their lunch, they'll be hungry. They won't die, but they will be uncomfortable. They'll likely remember the following day. However, if the child forgets their lunch and their mother brings it to the school, the child is learning: a) I don't have to remember, mom will b) I'm not capable of being responsible c) mom will bail me out no matter what I do so I'm free to make as many mistakes as I want 2) Return Responsability As a Play Therapist, we practice "returning responsability" to young children, meaning we don't do for them what they can do for themselves, we don't answer questions they know the answer to, and we don't solve problems for them. Instead, we send the message, "you are capable of doing this" with small, purposeful statements. For example, if a child asks you to do something for them that you know they're capable of doing, simply respond, "That's someting you can do". When they accomplish it, you can reiterate, "I knew you could do it", or "You can do big things". This also boosts self confidence naturally; uch better than the prozaic "good job" that makes me skin crawl. When a child asks you a question, try responding, "Hmmmm, I'd love to hear your thoughts", or "That's an answer you can figure out". Feel free to engage in the thought process with them, but it's actually very freeing to step back and hear their thoughts and also incredibly entertaining to follow their process! When a child brings you a problem, lovingly hand the problem back with, "What do you think you're going to do?" Be willing to offer a few ideas that "some people" have tried, but take care not to own the problem or solve the problem. Your child will take great pride in figuring out the problem on their own. Its important to note, do not allow your child to become angry or overly frustrated. A struggle is okay, but take care not to mock or tease them and be sure you're returning responsability when it's appropriate. I'd never tell my child, "that's something you can do", when they're asking me to buckle them in their carseat or start the bathwater, but do try to allow your children to do much more. Step back as a parent and find comfort in playing dumb. Examples: "Hmmm. it's time to leave for school, I wonder what you'll need for the day" is a great way to see if they know to grab shoes, water bottles and lunch box." "Oh, oh. I notice you spilled water on the table. How are you going to clean that? Are you someone who knows where towels are?" "I'll bet you even know how to take your clothes off before bath. Surely, you're that big now" Watch your childrens self-esteems soar when they're given responsability and a chance to showcase what they know and what they can do. When you become dumb as a parent, they're forced to pick up some of the slack! Stay gold, Chelsea ![]() For the love of all things that sparkle, can we please stop saying unproductive things like, "good job" and "because I said so" to our children?! Think of kids like miniature adults. How many adults do you know who say, "I don't like anyone telling me what to do. I have to do things on my terms, because I want to do it"? I'm guessing a staggering number of you relate to that statement. We all do! And your children are no different! They don't think to themseles, "Because I'm not 18 years old yet, I'm still a minor and need adults in my life to tell me how to function, otherwise I have no clue how to operate." They don't think the because it isn't true! They're born with the instincts to survive and an innate desire for independence. Therefore, when adults yell at them, they perceive threat and fight back. This is commonly known as a tantrum. And, when they're told what to do, they often do the exact opposite. So, what can we do? Use this knowledge to make your life easier! 1. Engage, don't Enrage. Get down to your childs level and make eye contact. Smile, or touch them affectionately. This lets them know they're loved, accepted, and makes them open to receiving information. 2. Give them the control they seek. Control is like a boomerang. The more you give away, the more you get back. When children THINK they have control, they often comply. Here's how it works" The children are playing before school. You smile, acknowledge the lego tower they've built and pat their head before saying, "You're having so much fun. Will you choose to brush your teeth now or in five minutes?" They're likely to respond "five minutes", to which you respond, "Ok, great. I'll set the timer and when it rings you'll know it's time to brush your teeth! Isnt it exciting to wait for a bell?" Now, you've used empthy, positive touch, and given choices to put the responsibility back on the child. You sealed the interaction with excitement and anticipation for the bell. When the timer dings, they'll likely find joy in hearing it and knowing what to do WITHOUT being told what to do. No lecture, no anger, no threats! 3. Develop those intronsic motivators (aka feelings) Ask yourself, "why do I want my child to brush their teeth?" Well, they'll have clean teeth. Then, when they are brushing, you might choose to acknowkedge the feeling, "It feels good to have clean teeth!" "Why do I care if my child has a clean room?" Because being organized keeps the ind free of clutter, too, right? So, acknowledge that to your child, "I notice you're happier when your room is clean and you can find what you need". Intrinsic motivation can go on for days.... "You have more energy when you eat good food" "You sure slept better after playing outside yesterday" "It feels good to share with others" "You felt joy when you smiled at a new friend" "It felt nasty when you hit your sister" "You were grumpy when you stayed up late" "It feels good to work hard at a goal" By acknowkedging our children's feelings about things, we're developing the innate desire to make the right decision because it FEELS right, rather than doing something in order to get a prize or a "good job" from someone. The definition of integrity is doing what's right when noone is around, therefore, lets strengthen that moral compass from the inside out! |
Chelsea VailParenting expert, blogger, inventor, single mom to twins, barefoot nomad, adventure seeker, boho spirit, advocate of play Archives
January 2025
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