Spending a decade and a half of your life with someone only to find out they're not even remotely close to the person you thought they were can leave one...ahem...jaded. I left my marriage damn near traumatized and with a heap of trust issues (although at the time I thought I was fine). A year later I've realized I was fine because I had to be and was actually surviving on adrenaline and fear for the first few months. Add in twelve months of serial dating and I've realized most men in today's world are narcissitic, selfish, immature, or non-commital. If youre reading this and we dated this year, I'm probably not referring to you, especially if we're still friends...I'm likely referring to the guy I had one date with and realized almost instantly he was an asshole. If you got a second date, or a third, or we're still in touch, then we just didn't work out for other reasons. Sorry bout ya!
But, this post is not about my bad dates or cautious outlook on men. It's about putting out into the universe what I'm looking for, while simultaneously teaching men how women think about men they're dating...I met someone recently that demonstrated each of these points and got me very excited that someone like this does, in fact, exist, and not to settle.
1. Good Dresser
I was immediately attracted to this person because he was well-dressed head-to-toe. Clean shaven, fresh hair cut, well tailored suit, and gorgeous shoes. Yes, this matters to women! Why? Because it shows us you give a damn! It shows us that you recognize the effort we put into our appearance for you and you mirror that effort because you too have self-respect. It's also a sign of maturity. No- baggy sweatpants, sneakers, and concert t-shirts don't cut it in adulthood. Buy clothes that fit and are age appropriate, for god sakes.
Ironically I had matched with this person online way before randomly bumping into them in public so we'd been chatting for months already before meeting. In all that time, he never once was crass, disrespectful, or solicited the far-too-commonly requested dirty photos. If this request hasn't happened to you yet, count yourself lucky. This is typcally requested within the first twenty-four hours of giving out my number and is always answered with "now you're blocked. have a good life" type of text. Whether its a text, a coffee, or a date, I always feel like Queen of the Castle when I'm with this person. This is called "chivalry". He exhibits old school charm and carries himself with class! Fellas, opening a girl's door is NOT all it takes. Treat her like a QUEEN and she'll treat you like a King. It's that simple.
I have guy friends that talk poorly about women who date successful men as if they're "golddiggers" (as if these men tip us after dates or take us shopping, lol) and I'll tell you I've never dated a man because of money. I have; however, dated primarily successful men because these men posess character, intelligence, class, drive, ambition, are goal oriented, and achieve their dreams. These traits are what are appealing about successful men, not "money" as many men mistakenly believe. So, if you're not in the higher tax bracket, find ways to show you posess these traits in other areas of your life. Success takes many forms and its not all financial.
Women work their booties off (literally) to stay in shape. We eat right, exercise, buy expensive shapewear, and pop supplements like M&Ms, yet most men in their thirties and forties think its okay to sport a beer belly and man boobs. You know why these things are un-sexy to women? The traits associated with them are laziness, complacency, and lack of respect for yourself. If you can't take care of yourself, how can you possibly care of a woman? Again, many men roll their eyes at women who date men in shape, like we're vain, or something, but women see a man in shape as someone who takes pride in their health and will likely stay healthy as they age. That's what's sexy!
Many of my guy friends think a woman who's looking for a well-traveled man is looking for money, but that's not even remotely close! A well-traveled man is often adventurous, open-minded, cultured, mature, experienced, and has great stories and a fresh persective on current events and hot topics. Spontaneity and a lust for life are qualities many women find attractive, and we know a man whose seen the world is likely to posess these traits. These Texas born and bred, yee-haw " 'Merica", types that think everything here is bigger, better and all there is are a huge turn off. If you don't have a passport and can't open your mind to other religions, cultures, and ways of living, you're not for me!
Ive had dates that have gone really well and even led to second, third, and fourth dates. Interesting conversations, chemistry, connection, and hope...then comes the scariest date of all- visiting the man's home. Short of finding a dead body in the corner, I've seen it all! Men in their thirties and forties who live as if theyre renting a room in a fraternity house. A woman can be understanding of aesthetic differences between a family home and a bachelor pad, but if your home is not clean and your furniture looks like you borrowed from friends or went dumpster diving, we're likely to ghost you and never return to your home. Fellas, its time to step it up. No, you don't need to spend your retirement at Restoration Hardware or Pottery Barn, but nice bedding, clean bathroom, and well made pieces of furniture go a long way. Live as if you'd like to share a life, and a home, with another human one day, putting into practice the "Field of Dream" theory...if you build it, she will come.
I'm going to say honesty is number one. Most women are reasonable and understanding if told the truth upfront. If you're looking to hook up, tell her that. If you just want someone to keep you company while you heal a broken heart, let her know. If you want a long term relationship, but have zero interest in marriage and kids, she needs to know. You'd be surprised what kind of arrangement women are open to when they know whats up. And, if its not for them, they may stay friends with you and introduce you to their girlfriends who may be more keen. But, lie to a woman, or hide intentions and feelings only puts you in the category we've put 95% of the men we've met...the liers, cheaters, game players, who are too immature to be open, honest, and direct with a female for fear she'll (gasp) not want to date them.
If you don't make her a priority, she'll keep you as just an option, too. Sure, we live in a society of feminists and dating apps that give women the lead, but many women still want to be pursued. We love a good morning text, a "when can I see you again?" call after a great date, and whats even better- "I need to see you. I bought you a ticket to meet me here" or "I made reservations for us here". Be a man, take the lead! Women love this. It shows masculinity, leadership, faith in your connection, and maturity. A lil effort goes a long way. Any sign of weakness or insecurity can be a huge turnoff.
Parenting expert, blogger, inventor, single mom to twins, barefoot nomad, adventure seeker, boho spirit, advocate of play