A very wise professor of mine in undergrad taught me, "A parent who always remembers, raises a child who always forgets," -Dr. Garry Landreth, professor at UNT.
As a parent, I've rephrased this into my own terms, "Back off and let them figure it out". I don't want my children to be little mindless robots who only do things because they're told to and who can't make a dcision without me weighing out the pros and cons for them. So, I have a few techniques for returning responsability to them to ensure that as they grow older, they're the ones doing the thinking, not me. 1. Embrace Failure Allow your children to fail and forget when the price tag is small, which is these early, formative years. As adults, being forgetful and careless has a much bigger consequence. When parents protect our children from failure and frustration, we are robbing them of the learning opportunities associated with the consequence. If a child forgets their lunch, they'll be hungry. They won't die, but they will be uncomfortable. They'll likely remember the following day. However, if the child forgets their lunch and their mother brings it to the school, the child is learning: a) I don't have to remember, mom will b) I'm not capable of being responsible c) mom will bail me out no matter what I do so I'm free to make as many mistakes as I want 2) Return Responsability As a Play Therapist, we practice "returning responsability" to young children, meaning we don't do for them what they can do for themselves, we don't answer questions they know the answer to, and we don't solve problems for them. Instead, we send the message, "you are capable of doing this" with small, purposeful statements. For example, if a child asks you to do something for them that you know they're capable of doing, simply respond, "That's someting you can do". When they accomplish it, you can reiterate, "I knew you could do it", or "You can do big things". This also boosts self confidence naturally; uch better than the prozaic "good job" that makes me skin crawl. When a child asks you a question, try responding, "Hmmmm, I'd love to hear your thoughts", or "That's an answer you can figure out". Feel free to engage in the thought process with them, but it's actually very freeing to step back and hear their thoughts and also incredibly entertaining to follow their process! When a child brings you a problem, lovingly hand the problem back with, "What do you think you're going to do?" Be willing to offer a few ideas that "some people" have tried, but take care not to own the problem or solve the problem. Your child will take great pride in figuring out the problem on their own. Its important to note, do not allow your child to become angry or overly frustrated. A struggle is okay, but take care not to mock or tease them and be sure you're returning responsability when it's appropriate. I'd never tell my child, "that's something you can do", when they're asking me to buckle them in their carseat or start the bathwater, but do try to allow your children to do much more. Step back as a parent and find comfort in playing dumb. Examples: "Hmmm. it's time to leave for school, I wonder what you'll need for the day" is a great way to see if they know to grab shoes, water bottles and lunch box." "Oh, oh. I notice you spilled water on the table. How are you going to clean that? Are you someone who knows where towels are?" "I'll bet you even know how to take your clothes off before bath. Surely, you're that big now" Watch your childrens self-esteems soar when they're given responsability and a chance to showcase what they know and what they can do. When you become dumb as a parent, they're forced to pick up some of the slack! Stay gold, Chelsea
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Chelsea VailParenting expert, blogger, inventor, single mom to twins, barefoot nomad, adventure seeker, boho spirit, advocate of play Archives
March 2022
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