I'm a bad mom
I have been the primary caregiver for my twins, age three, since they were days old. In fact, for the first twenty-months of their life I was the only caregiver. Now that I'm divorced, they go with their dad Friday night through Sunday afternoon every TWO WEEKS. This means for about twelve days in a row, I'm still the ONLY caregiver.
I wake up every morning with them anywhere between 5am (on the truly fun days) to 7am. Together, we cook breakfast. I let them put on hats and aprons and help me make pancakes, waffles, or french toast. We have eggs, bacon or prosciutto, and usually some fruit they've helped slice. Then, as they're playing happily or watching cartoons I hustle through blogs/emails, and work stuff for my businesses while simultaneously cleaning, packing lunches, preparing snacks, and getting them and myself dressed.
If its a Tuesday or a Thursday they have school for a few hours in the morning, but otherwise, we go on adventures together. Sometimes it's a playground, city park, hiking, biking, swimming, childrens museum, indoor play place, or, if I have to run errands I turn it into a game of some sort and we go "hunting" for things we need. Most days we are laughing, smiling, playing, and enjoying each other so much that I get lonely when bedtime approaches.
Our afternoons include gym time for me (they love it, too) and then I cook dinner, give them baths, put on diapers, PJs, brush teeth, and read stories before cuddling them in bed and singing them to sleep or telling them stories about how much I love them. Some days they actually say, "Mommy, that's enough. I get it. You love me. I love you, too". I also laugh when I'm kissing them and tell me, "Don't love on me right now, I'm busy playing". No two kids are loved more.
But recently its come to my atttention I'm a bad mom. On the weekends they're with their father I almost always have plans with friends. I've have these "binge" weekends every twelve days where I eat out at restaurants with friends, I visit new clubs and dance like a crazy person while laughing hysterically, and if I'm lucky I get to lay out at a pool or ride a boat on the lake where I also dance and get silly. But, "you shouldn't be out until 2am because you're a mom" keeps ringing in my head. I didn't know I had a curfew once a human had exited my body and for that, I'm sorry.
Because all of my girlfriends are married with kids or expecting a baby, I've become friends with a slew of males! I'd estimate 98% of my friends in Austin are males, but again, I didn't realize that because moms have vaginas, they should only associate with other people who have vaginas. And for that, I'm sorry. I've been spotted with "random" men all over town. Well, they're not random to me, although they may be random to you, and for that I'm sorry. I've bought name tags for my friends who have penises to wear so that there's no more confusion for my spies.
I've also been seen on a boat on a Sunday, which is when I get my kids back. I didn't drink on the boat or do anything to alter my ability to mom-so-hard (which I do to perfection by the way), but moms should not be on boats on Sundays, and for that I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for visiting Rainey Street on a Sunday even though I was home in time to cook dinner, do bath, read stories, and love on my sweet baby boys until bedtime where I slept in between them both because I missed them so much. Moms should not be on Rainey Street so if you have grown a human inside your body, you must avoid this geographical location at ALL costs.
Sorry for being a bad mom, I'll do better.
A girlfiend I hung out with this weekend has an album on her phone called "Dying Alone" where she screenshots losers she comes across in dating apps or people watching. Its hilarious to scroll through, but when hearing her reason for creating it, it saddens my heart. She said, "Had I known these were my options after thirty, I never would've gotten divorced". Personally, I still think someone really amazing is out there. The issue I've been running into since hitting "the scene" again is not a lack of good ones, it's the fact theyre NEVER available!
The out of towner: This is something I run into on the reg in Austin! Not only are we the next Silicon Valley and have men flying into Austin just for work ALL the time, but we're also a hub for bachelor parties and birthday party vacations. In fact, even though Austin is a "big city", the social scene makes it feel like a small town because we run into the same 100 people EVERY freakin' weekend. It never fails, i finally meet a man I think, "Damn, this guy I'd be ALL in with, hands down" and he drops the bomb he lives in California, New York, South Carolina, Colorado, Seattle, Toronto...anywhere but here.
The married guy: This is ACTUALLY way more common than I'd like to admit, but I'll find myself drawn to a guy. We chat, laugh, dance, find out we have alot in common, have similar values, were practically finishing each other's sentences and just before I get too excited he finds a way to work the word "wife" into a sentence. Argh! Yup, it' true, after thirty-five the good ones are already married.
The young guy: I'll tell you I used to think dating someone younger than me was pointless, and as silly as some young men can be until thirty-five when they hit puberty and grow up, many of these young bucks I meet are WAY ahead of the curve! In fact, it's like they know the reputation their generation has is horrible so they're breaking the mold! I met someone this past weekend who was only 26, but he was smart, funny, intelligent, successful, balanced, self-aware, and for the first time in a loooooonnnngggg time, I was treated like a normal person. Sure, he complimented me every now and then, but he didn't obsess over me. Most men are either intimidated by me and clam up and start self-depricating or they get really obsessed and cant stop complimenting me to the point I feel fragile or like a have to pretend to be perfect so I don't bust this unrealistic image this guy has created of me. But with this guy, I could be completely silly and we laughed our asses off the entire night! I forgot how much fun it is to play with someone. I felt like a kid again and sure, part of that was because he's so young, but damn, so many men just take themselves WAY too seriously around me. Blech! And, this guy loved hearing stories about my boys. He couldn't stop laughing and said he'd love nothing more than to have two little dudes to play with and help take care of. He said I'm the kind of woman he's been looking for and can't ever find...ditto, dude...ditto.
The night ended perfectly with, "If I lived here, you'd already be my girlfriend and if you lived in Colorado, I would've already wifed you up by now"...yup, major bummer...of course he lives out of state. Why are the good ones NEVER available?!
Parenting expert, blogger, inventor, single mom to twins, barefoot nomad, adventure seeker, boho spirit, advocate of play